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Hands, Heart, Voice, Spirit ... When a Parent Dies
 By
Henry D. Landes
September 2006
There’s so much that happens when a parent dies... Words like these, from a good friend,
have been pouring in since my father’s death in mid-June. Wise, comforting words—written and
uttered—from family, friends, clients and colleagues have and continue to sustain me, buoy
me up as I journey through a likely transition each of us must face, the loss of a parent.
In this column and in our work with business families, we talk a lot about passing the
mantle—either by death or design. Making good choices about passing along the management and
ownership of a family business in a timely way is a critical role of any family business
owner. My father, Henry A. Landes, passed the mantle well and early; transitioning both
management and ownership in his mid-50’s to my brothers, the third generaton. Yet he always
maintained an active interest in the business, working in the business part-time (delivering
parts) until the age of 79!
Dad got an early start in the family business; actually taking up two different trades
that my grandfather handed off—first farming, then plumbing and heating. I don’t think he
felt a great sense of destiny in his work; he never talked, as I do, about finding his
mission in life. It was simply what needed to be done and so he did it ... for more than
70 years!
I know Dad was pleased that my two older brothers followed his path into the family
business, still called I. T. Landes & Son, and now owned by fourth generation cousins. I
think it was perplexing to him, if not disappoint-ing, when I declined his early invitation
to join the family business. In spite of that, he graciously accepted and supported my
interest in higher education—he found eight grades worked well for him—and a world beyond
his very concrete experience with “pipes, pumps and heaters.”
At times, my dad and I didn’t really understand each other’s worlds—and may have wished
that each was more like the other. Yet, over the years, Dad maintained a strong interest in
my life and work. Though indirectly, he ‘blessed” my decision to pursue my mission to work
with business families with comments like: “Sometime I’d like to sit in one of your meetings
with a business family.”
In the last dozen or so years, our relationship deepened. I learned the importance, to
him and to me, of calling him daily. I stopped wanting him to be something or somebody else.
As his life was coming to a close, I realized the simple, precious gifts he continually gave
me—gracious hands, a generous heart, a voice of support, a spirit of gratitude. I also came
to appreciate how his qualities are reflected in my siblings, and I hope in me.
Jerry Seinfeld is quoted as saying that 93 percent of the population is so frightened
by public speaking that at a funeral, they would rather be in the casket than giving the
eulogy. My father was indeed frightened by public speaking; a fear which I have shared to a
lesser degree. And yet, at my father’s funeral, it was as if I had found my voice. When a
parent dies, there can be a startling realization for “next gens” that, “You’re it!” With
this realization, the words seemed to flow effortlessly as I spoke for our family at the
passing of our dad.
With his business and personal affairs in order, Dad was ready to go. It was a special
privilege for my three siblings and me to simply be with him, holding his work-worn,
hospitable and welcoming hands as he passed on to the next life.
Many of you have reached out to me during this time. It has been your words that have
brought comfort and encouragement. I have always felt honored to walk with you during the
seasons of your family and business life. It is with even more gratitude that I thank you
for walking with me through my latest chapter.
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